Asking why is a waste of time
In order to explain this ironically, I have to explain why it is.
Don’t get me wrong. In scientific endeavors, teaching cause and effect, and investigation generally, why is a very important question. It helps us to understand the universe that we live when we ask “why does this happen?” This has been the driver for progress since the dawn of time. We slowly uncover more and more of the why things occur in a cause and effect sense. But even in this context really, we’re uncovering “how” more than “why”.
What IS a waste of time is being fixated on why when it is an emotional response. When we are sitting there in our worst moments asking the worst question we can possibly ask ourselves: “why me?”
Here’s the reason: There is no why.
There is no why?
Maybe you can say there is a why because there is a plan, or because you’ve consigned yourself to a belief in a higher power. But even if that is your why, you have no power to know what that plan is. You have no power to know it or to change it. So in a way, even religious people don’t ask why because they assume something else is taking care of it.
Most “why’s” are answered through accountability and cause and effect. In other words, you did A,B,C and as a result ended up with X,Y, and Z. Admittedly, if the purpose of asking why is to analyze yourself and make a positive change then I take it back…why can be a good question. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I feel this way? Why do I always do that?
These are good introspective questions that use why in an analytic manner. Asked unpassionately they can lead to excellent personal growth and positive change.
But those were all examples of good why.
It seems like I’m talking in circles. Where is the bad why? What am I referring to when I say asking why is a waste of time?
Asking why is a waste of time when the question points to an unknowable (or unactionable) piece of information.
Think about when something bad happened to you. Think about that miserable feeling. Remember when that person rear ended your car? Remember when you missed the meeting because of traffic? (and these are some of the least serious of the negative situations). Asking “Why me?” in the context of feeling bad for yourself is a waste. It doesn’t do anything. It is ineffectual. The only thing that results is you trapping yourself and being unable to move forward.
Now again if you’re asking “How did this happen?” in the context of improving, or preventing something (that you have control over) from happening again then wonderful. You’re being constructive.
Advice from Dad
Now for those of you that are sitting around wallowing and asking “why me?” when the answer as to how whatever happened IS within your control I have a quick adage that my Dad used to say to me:
A guy walks into a Doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
The Doctor replies “Don’t do that”.
In other words stop feeling sorry for yourself dummy. Make a change. No sympathy for you. Only you can change you. Poor you, you got a DUI? Don’t get upset at having a DUI. Get upset that you decided to drink and drive.
What about the stuff I can’t control?
For the rest of it though, the uncontrollable, the urge to ask why is strong. Why me? Why did this happen? Especially for the negative events in one’s life. We can get trapped by the why. We can begin to believe in bad luck. While there is something to random chance, I do believe that whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re usually right. In other words, you’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
People that allow the universe to work for them, and believe that it can, seem to have good luck. While people that feel that the universe is working against them, always seem plagued with bad luck.
Asking why only seems to be a catalyst for more inaction in these circumstances (catalyst for inaction seems like an oxymoron). It is a way to justify inaction and further pain to the self. The most dangerous conclusion is that you deserve to have something happen to you (positive or negative). If we give ourselves feelings of entitlement one way or the other, then we absolve ourselves of the need for personal accountability and action.
Can I not feel bad?
Am I saying that if something is terrible you don’t deserve a moment to collect yourself? Is it okay to grieve? Are you allowed to feel bad about things? Can you feel down about losing your position because of layoffs etc.? Of course you can. This is natural. It’s a moment to reflect, to contemplate, and to ask GOOD introspective questions.
There is a danger in these moments though. A trap is waiting if we let it snare us. The danger is to start believing in the entitlement of what happened. You will ask the question for which there is no answer: why did this happen. Not how, but why. So we must limit the amount of time we allow ourselves these thoughts before letting them go.
Don’t Get Trapped!
This doesn’t mean they won’t still be there, but we must let them go; the way we would let go of a car handle if it started driving off. You mustn’t let it drag you with it. This, believe it or not, is a choice. You must consciously choose to let go in order to move on. The car may still be there driving around, but we have chosen to not be dragged on the ground behind it.
This isn’t a spiel to get you to think positively about everything. It is an acknowledgement of one simple fact that I mentioned above. In the vast majority of these situations:
There is no why.
The why doesn’t exist, so don’t look for it. Asking a question for which there is no answer is inaction in and of itself as it accomplishes nothing. In negative situations this is more serious to the self.
Yoda and Vonnegut
I am reminded of Yoda telling Luke, “No, no, there is no why!”
More aptly I am reminded of Billy Pilgrim in Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five, in which he was contemplating the (mostly) unfortunate things that had come to pass in his life. This passage succinctly sums up my message:
Billy licked his lips, thought a while, inquired at last: “Why me?”
“That is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?”
“Yes.” Billy, in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.
“Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why.”
There is quite literally no reason why. You would consider someone crazy if they spent looking around for imaginary things. Why do this yourself? So in essence, asking why me is a waste of the very moment in which you contemplate it.