What does it take for you to be happy? This is a loaded question. What does it take for you to slide into the realm of definitely being un-happy?
Toddler Rules:
Let’s check off the basics. Let’s assume that your toddler needs are being met. By “toddler needs” I mean checking off the basic things that you would ask if a toddler were cranky. Let’s say you have a cranky little 3 year old boy running around. He’s crying and generally in a crappy mood. It’s possible he’s just being a little shit, he is 3 after all, but barring that
- Is he hungry (and what is the quality of the food that he IS eating)?
- Does he have a tummy ache? When was the last time he went to the bathroom or had a movement?
Note that the above two questions stem from nutrition and gut health which has a direct line to your mental health, regardless of the other factors. I put them together because nutritional health, digestive health, and mental health are all interrelated.
- Is he tired? How much sleep is he getting (and the quality of the sleep)?
Those are the toddler rules and if you have those checked off we can assume that you have a baseline of health from which to spring forth happily. You can get away with neglecting these things through your early twenties, but you will pay for them later in life.
Passive Happiness:
So assuming your toddler rules are checked off this leaves the question: “What does it take to make you happy?”
Some would say going on a hike, or a trip to the beach, or riding around in a fast car.
These are all good answers. All of these things are great. I love going on a vacation and can be pulled out of a funk even if my toddler rules aren’t being met by things like this.
There is a problem though, and that is that these things are ephemeral. They don’t have a lasting impact.
We’ve all been there. You get back from an awesome vacation and crawl into work. You may even be okay with going back to work but the vacation hangover remains. I don’t mean that you drank too much (although sometimes that happens), I mean that you stare longingly at that picture of you on the beach. You sadly listen to a reggae band track that you heard while you were on the island. You find out the hard way that it doesn’t have the same effect as you eat your sandwich in the company break room.
The vacation hangover is okay. Sometimes we can get bummed out by something nice ending; however this sort of happiness is given to you. Happiness that is derived from passively experiencing something is never as good as actively doing something that brings you joy.
This is not always a bad thing. Passive experience and simply appreciating what is around you is wonderful but it has its limits. Experiencing nothing but sitting on a beach in a tropical locale may be spectacular, relaxing, and bring a feeling of joy, but rest assured that even this setting would eventually get old without active pursuit.
Active Happiness:
I acknowledge that no one can be happy all the time. We all have ups and downs. I assume I will have a bad day from time to time. I also know that while passive happiness can be experienced and appreciated, it is not sustainable. Even if it were it takes the power out of your own hands to make it happen.
So how can we maximize our ability to be as happy as possible for as long as possible?
Well for me, while I do appreciate passive happiness, and I try to keep my toddler rules boxes checked, it takes more than that.
Staying happy takes work!
It means identifying the things that you need to do every day in order to feel complete. This can seem counter-intuitive as many of the things on my list can be unpleasant in the moment. It is the sum of the parts though that creates the joy. These are things that you must actively do, sometimes daily, in order to stay happy.
Enter JWRELMM:
I have made many checklists for productivity in terms of trying to accomplish as much as possible. Over the years I have simplified these lists. I used to be incredibly critical and overly specific about which tasks I would accomplish which would leave me feeling like I wasn’t doing enough or was making a chore out of the things that were supposed to make me happy. I’ve also gone the other way and over generalized which resulted in things getting left out, or feeling like something was missing.
What I have done lately though is follow a simple acronym that I can use for tracking my pursuits. I narrowed the field down to the few things that truly matter to me, that bring me joy, even in the moments where they are difficult.
JWRELMM:
Journaling
Writing
Reading
Exercise
Learning
Meditation
Music
Everyone’s acronym is different but at this point in time JWRELMM is mine. These are the things that I do every day if I can help it. I notice a real difference in myself when I don’t do one of these tasks for too long. Currently as I write this, I am hitting 6 out of 7 or 7 out of 7 parts of JWRELMM daily.
I also have personal rules for each.
Journaling must be done every-day without fail about whatever is one my mind.
I have to write at least 500 words a day. It can be more and often is, but cannot be less.
I have to read for at least 30 minutes. I get lost in books for hours, but I need to read at least this much for it to register as substantial to me.
Exercise has to be substantial (a proper long cardio, yoga, or weight lifting session).
Learning means I have to complete my daily Duo-Lingo and hopefully at least one session of whatever course I’m taking online. Currently I’m a few days away from a 1000 day streak on Duo-Lingo. I’m always taking at least one course on Khan Academy or Udemy.com (I’m in the middle of a Deep Learning data science course).
Meditation means I have to do at least one ten minute segment of meditation either by myself or using an app (personal favorites include Headspace and the Waking Up app). This can seem redundant to some as exercise provides a means of meditation as well.
Music means not only am I going to listen to music throughout the day but also I’m going to create some. This means I’m going to tool around on one of the many instruments or software that I have for just that task. While I’m not quitting my day-job, I find that these sorts of creative outlets really help offset the grind of my job.
What’s your JWRELMM?
You can pick apart my acronym and accompanying rules for said acronym. They are meant for me. If I neglect one of these categories for too long I notice a marked difference in my attitude all around. I notice that I start filtering things through a more negative lens. This is entirely because I’m not suffering though anything positive. I’m not working towards the things I find personally meaningful. To many this might seem like silliness. That’s fine. It’s not silly to me.
My question is, what is your JWRELMM? Maybe it’s considerably simpler. Maybe you love to garden or hike. Perhaps if you don’t take your weekly bike-ride you’re off for the rest of the week. Maybe it has a lot more than that.
You need to sit down and ask yourself what is it that you need to do?
I should also mention that in the above I’ve mentioned nothing about relationships to friends and family. These are a priority to me above many things, especially my being a parent. In order to be the best I can at being a dad, partner, or friend though, I need to make sure that I’m taking care of me.
I do all of my tasks while still allotting myself the proper amount of time for my relationships and work.
Get After It.
Once you know the things you need to do then you need to make sure that you do them without fail.
There are 168 hours in a week. Even if you sleep 8 hours a day (56 hours), work 60 hours that still leaves 52 hours or a whopping 7.52 hours a day. You can devote 5 hours a day to your family and that still leaves nearly 2.52 hours a day to do whatever needs to be done! I choose to not waste those precious 3 2-3 hours.
There’s no excuse, and you can write all of them down and throw them out the window. I’m not going to tell you what to do with your time. I’m telling you that I know what I have to do with mine in order to feel better more consistently.
There is No Finish Line
I recently read the book “Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds” by David Goggins, which is a great read if you need a kick in the pants for motivation. His “JWRELMM” is preparing and constantly pushing his body to meet extreme physical challenges. He also mentions the above number of hours in a week and how much time you actually have if you break it down.
People have asked me to what end I continue to do all of the things that I do. I continue to keep streaks going for things that seem objectively meaningless. If you’re in shape already, why work out to the point that you do? It’s not like you’re a professional athlete. Why do you keep making so much music? You’re never going to have a successful record. Why learn languages that you’ll likely never use? Why take a class for something you may not use professionally?
I say why not! David Goggin’s mentions in his book this quote that sums it up. He says “there is no finish line.”
The training therefore, does not represent a definitive outcome. I train to train. I train because without training, I will become unhappy. The grind is enjoyable to me. If you learn to love the grind (whatever it may be), you will be happy. But do choose a grind. At this point in my career my job is not the grind that I love, but I do it well. In order to counterbalance the work grind, I have chosen my grind outside of work. My grind is JWRELMM.
So again, what is your “JWRELMM?