Awake. You’ve only been asleep for 10 minutes. Okay no problem you were very tired. It shouldn’t be a problem getting back to sleep. You had a good weekend. You exercised and spent a lot of time outside. The kids were really great. You were really productive. You’ve been really good about staying on a streak with the positives. Let’s review:
You exercised 5 days in the last week. Weight lifting, yoga, and cardio. This is a major win.
You revised three chapters of your manuscript and managed to write that short story. It will be really great when you are through revision. I bet you can’t wait to start writing that big new idea you have.
You did your piano practice. Don’t skip the simple stuff if you plan to stay on top of it!
You were able to get so much reading done without interruption. Usually this is two minute intervals punctuated by screaming children. But not today and the kids loved having you read from chapter books to them. This is so great. It will be awesome when they start reading. So many great adventures to go on.
You should really query tomorrow. Seriously, it’s been a while since you did. Get back on the horse. These latest revisions are good. Your first pages are amazing. Someone else will love them too. The feedback on your first pages and your query letter is all positive and encouraging. Just get back to doing the work. Don’t worry about the last one getting rejected and falling through. This book is different, it’s better.
It would be great if you didn’t have to go to that shitty job. It’s profitable but it’s killing you. It’s soul crushing. This isn’t what you wanted. The same thing every day. That’s why you need to keep pouring yourself into the writing and into the music. Maybe one day you can detach from the soul crushing thing and do what you like full time. You can only hope!
A writer gives himself completely to the work. But not all of them make it. Just keep trying. You know you’re getting older. You know you’re now an adult twice over, you were eighteen, eighteen years ago. Maybe it’s kind of sad that you’re still doing this, still trying. It seems like no one is taking you seriously. It would be nice if you made it. But you probably won’t will you?
Hell maybe your ex wife was right and you should just buckle down. You have a really good job. It pays the bills. You have this amazing life right? Why isn’t that enough?
Your current wife seems (feels shitty to have to say current wife doesn’t it?) to like your work which is nice. Is she just saying that though? You don’t really have many original thoughts. And honestly, writing about Vikings and floating cities and time travel? What business let’s a person like you be in charge? All the stupid little stories that you’ve written on your stupid website. You’d probably be fired if they read your stuff.
It’s really kind of sad. You hardly have any interesting thoughts in your head. All the website stuff and the writing stuff and the music stuff. It just smacks of desperate attention seeking. So many others are out there doing the same thing and they reek of it too. They’re better at it too. Aren’t you just a sad? And at your age. Please. Haven’t you grown out of that by now?
Seeking all of that empty attention and for what? So that people you don’t know will validate your bullshit work? It’s not even good. And you don’t deserve a place there.
Besides, let’s talk about all of the reasons why you don’t deserve anything good in the first place. You’re a liar. Remember all those shitty stories that you told your ex? Remember that money you stole when you were eighteen and desperate? Remember all of those faces from the military deployments? Those people were good people and they’re not here anymore. But you’re here. You’re stupid you and you’re still here. How is that fair? And somehow you want more. That’s funny.
I guess it makes sense that your son is autistic. He’ll probably never be able to integrate into a normal social situation. They already have him separated out from the other kids and drugged and in an isolated setting. He’s only six. You’re going to die before he’s an adult. They’re going to take him away and put him somewhere and you won’t be able to care for him.
That makes sense though right? He’s probably autistic because you yelled at him from frustration when he was an infant. You thought about terrible things while he screamed as a baby and a toddler. You can’t prove it. But it’s probably true. It’s probably karma. Karma for the lying and stealing and cheating. You have no right to the life you have. Your kids hopefully won’t find out about what a terrible person you are. But you know they will eventually.
Honestly you should be surprised you haven’t been found out. You’re a fraud and a terrible person. It doesn’t matter if you try to be good or set the record straight. You deserve shame. Deep shame. Maybe the world will find out about all the things you’ve thought about. All the things you’ve thought about or actually done with your dick, and who you’ve done them to. All the people that you’ve screwed over.
It all comes out. You’re over half way there. People live longer now but not you. You’re going to get some kind of cancer. You’re going to go black on the inside and the people you love will find out who you really are and you’ll be alone. You’re going to be alone and you’re going to die. You’re going to get fired too after wasting your life for fifteen more years at the place you say you want to leave. You lack conviction. You’re no good.
No one really likes you. Not really. Maybe a few superficial relationships. You’re sad. You’re not going to make it. You’re a bad father. A bad husband. You’ve lost so many friends. You’re going to fail. You’re not special. It’s not going to happen. Stop trying. Just stop.
Oh, were you trying to sleep? So sorry. You should try and get some rest.